January 2012
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click dis shit →
This… is the best website ever created.
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jonahmillerg replied to your post: Solid State
Wow and I don’t even get any credit
I don’t know what you mean. I was just letting everyone know what I think of New Hampshire.
Now that you mention it, this would be a great opening band for a Sublime show.
December 2011
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Solid State
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Aunt in town = George Clooney’s number in my phone.
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Problem with learning about "apartheid" when...
You’re 16, researching District 9, when the Internet informs you that there is no form of racial segregation called a partide.
You feel like an idiot. You yell at the Internet. Until you realize:
par- (prefix) “defective”
-tide (suffix) “a period of time”
SO
a partide (nonexistent) “a defective period of time”.
And apartheid TOTALLY WAS. So…...
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I’m watching this Nova episode about Antarctica.
The scientists’ bus is called “Ivan the Terra-Bus”.
They also brought 560 candy bars with them.
I’ve never wanted to be an Antarctic researcher more.
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"Feline Domesticalities" - Cat poems by my little...
What I Think of Cats
by Reuben Matias
There is not one type of cat I would especially woo,
Nor a type I would especially boo.
An Ordinary Cat
by Reuben Matias
How trepidatious is the rat,
When it beholds an ordinary cat.
But what the rat does not expect to see,
Is just what the cat turns out to be.
A ferocious flurry of claws
A fearsome opening of maws
And an inevitable crunch of...
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I wish people purred. It would be so much easier to tell how much they like you.
Crazy Uncle: Do you ever snowboard?
Me: I don’t know how.
Crazy Uncle: Do you ever skateboard?
Me: Tried once, exactly a year ago. Almost broke my knee.
Crazy Uncle: Do you have public health care?
Trying to play a dice game:
Crazy Uncle: I guess I’ll play the game. Can you break the rules?
Actress Aunt: The rules of this game can’t be broken.
Crazy Uncle: So it’s like life… No. I don’t like rules. That’s why I dropped outta the army.
Narrating fashion show on TV:
Crazy Uncle: Ooh that’s not sexy girlfriend. Who does your hair? You need to call Berkus the Jerkus. Would you marry Nate Berkus if he asked you?
Actress Aunt: No.
Crazy Uncle: That’s not sexy girlfriend. Eugh look at the androgynously gay men…
Actress Aunt: I’m about to explode. I’m going to leave the table.
Crazy Uncle: Hey...
Tasting my mom’s German beer:
Crazy Uncle: You’ve never had German beer have you? That stuff is 11% alcohol. This is prohibition piss water.
He then proceeded to summarize the entire sequence of German events leading up to World War II.
Describing a packet of Equal:
Crazy Uncle: We’re lucky we don’t live in a Communist society where they actually tell you what’s in stuff. They just say “Here EAT THIS.” Ass-par-tame. Euuuck. They say that’s the feces of e. Coli. Butter is okay.
Crazy Uncle to Waitress: Do you have any Genoavesian dishes? I heard Anne Hathaway wants to be your queen.
(To waitress at Italian restaurant)
Crazy Uncle: Now how big are these a-peeza pies? I’ll have a Quattro Fromaggio. Is that how you say that? Now did the Italian or the Spanish come first? And how much did that fireplace cost to install?
(After giving my Mom and Aunt the Christmas gift of one jalapeno each-)
Crazy Uncle: You all are gonna put me outta my jalapeno factory business. I have maybe fifty jalapenos now. Those things have seeds. No, no, I’ll make a salsa.
(He takes the jalapenos back. And puts them in my grandma’s blender.)
Crazy Uncle: Aren’t there any herbs? You got anything growin’ in the...
To Maintain Sanity
Over the next few hours, in real time, I will post things that my crazy uncle does and says during our valuable extended family Christmas time.
Let’s start off with this gem:
Crazy Uncle: Where did you find that flat in England?
Actress Aunt: It was suggested by Parliament because we were performing wi—
Crazy Uncle: SUGGESTED??! Ooooh Americans! Fucking British intelligence....
stillwatersofconsciousness asked: make me an admin for revechro or whatever
Mary Christ y mas!
Telenovela about drama in a large, divine family.
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"11:11" a poem
Sometimes
when it’s 11:11
I wish that I could
stop
time.
I look away from the clock
then
I look back at the clock.
If it’s still 11:11
I feel extremely powerful
and dance
around my kitchen.
This great happiness
lasts
at the most
for 47 seconds.
Then it’s 11:12.
I realize that
I kept track of those 47 seconds.
But maybe I got my wish
and time ceased to exist
...